Adjusting - Why Always Me?

It is very common to see things differently and having a discussion to sort things out. When doing so I found that, at the extreme, there are two types of people.

The Fundamentalist

The fundamentalist is convinced that he is always right. Shuts out reason that doesn’t fit her view. Doesn’t listen and absorb others’ arguments, hence has immediate answers ready. Knows better. Not willing to change his mind. Can remember exactly the words being said in a conversation one week ago (which is about humanly impossible). Would use words like ‘you don’t understand’? Takes his assumption as a fact instead of first looking at known facts, then looking at possible assumptions, typically more than one, and then conclude.

Note – after a discussion the fundamentalist is as knowledgeable as before. If there was something to learn, he didn’t.

Note – when being challenged aggressively most of us tend to become a bit more fundamental. If you are a manager, be extra sensitive to this.

The Explorer

The explorer is aware that often he is wrong. Has often self-doubts. Willing to listen. Absorb new information that does not fit her current view. Often finds that her view can be improved. Or he can improve something personally. Willing to adjust. Willing to admit mistakes.

Explorers know to defuse discussions by avoiding personal (counter)-attacks, speaking with a reasonable voice, and arguing based on fact.

Note – Typically, the explorer is a bit smarter after a discussion.

Note – As the explorer is willing to adjust and improve, but the fundamentalist is not, it looks very often that the fundamentalist is winning an argument. This is sometimes frustrating for the explorer and explorers ask themselves ‘Why do I always adjust and the other party not?’ ‘Why always me?’

My comment

If you are an absolute genius, by all means, be a fundamentalist. Most of us are not, hence, I like you to take the mind-set of an explorer. And I suggest taking the burden upon you to improve yourself and learn.

Over time a few things will happen:

1. You get smarter and more mature as you are willing to see personal weaknesses and shortcomings in your reasoning. As a result you will also be more respected.

2. Don’t worry about sometimes you ‘giving in’. People around you will notice your maturity. Again – time will tell.

3. People around you will want to work with you, because they can develop a rich working relationship with you. (Nobody wants to work with a fundamentalist, unless another fundamentalist of the same ‘shade’). It is an absolute career booster if people want to work with you