This is not about sex

During my recent visit to Germany I read a magazine. When you read the following please keep in mind that certain subjects are discussed a bit more openly in Germany. The magazine had a section ‘Ask Dr. Psychologist for advice’. A reader explained his situation as follows. ‘I am happily married; however, I am sexually attracted to my work colleague. What shall I do?’ The Psychologist started his answer with ‘Whatever you do, you will be a little bit unhappy …’

Of course, I don’t want to talk about sex, but I found the answer strikingly plain and clear and isn’t it true for many situations in life?

Very often in life we have to weigh between two alternatives and whatever we decide, we feel a bit unhappy or uncomfortable. Or maybe not, if you take the right approach in thinking it through. 3 scenarios come to my mind.

Scenario 1 - Short-Term vs. Long-Term

Achievements of ambitious goals require a lot of work, learning effort, practice, focus, discipline, etc. Sometimes, that is not a lot of fun and there are plenty of other activities, which would give us more pleasure and joy, albeit less meaningful.

However, keep in mind that achieving ‘big things’ will finally give you a higher degree of self worth compared to easily available short-term indulgences. It is not that disciplined people don’t like fun; they just delay to get greater satisfaction from achieving really worthwhile goals.

By the way, I never managed to stay focussed on my big long-term goals only. In my younger days I managed something like 30% pleasure today (but never anything essentially endangering my big ambitions) / 70% investment into the big goals. That is also how I spend my money. I think as you are getting older, I mean 60+, it is okay to do more things that give you pleasure today. But again, never anything endangering your ‘big goals’.

In summary, if you keep your big long-term goals in mind it, is much easier to resist the short-term temptations.

Scenario 2 - I want to, but …

I do hear people voicing out ambitious plans and straight away continue by saying ‘BUT’ and give you a reason why they can’t do it. The so-called reasons sound to me often as excuses, e.g. I am too young, too old, wrong gender, wrong country, wrong industry, not enough degrees … I have I heard it all.

So, if you don’t move you are a little bit unhappy, but, at the same time, not willing to move also.

My answer is – You are what you are. There is nothing that prevents you from taking the first step today and move day by day into the direction of what you want to achieve. You will find that many of these reasons were only reasons in your mind, not real. Move on, life will teach you how far you can go, normally further than you imagined, if you truly plan and give it a go.

Scenario 3 – I want to, but I am scared

Again, if you don’t move you are unhappy, if you move you are, well, scared.
I think fear is not a bad thing as it makes us more careful and weighing the risks.

Some tips to overcome fear:
- There is no need to be fearless, just don’t let it paralyze you.
- Observe others how they deal with that particular issue.
- Increase your level of competence and information.
- Seek to minimize the risk when doing it.
- Prepare well and practice.
- Find a good enough reason to do it. Ask yourself, what would be the benefit if I
could overcome this particular fear?
- Can you break it down in small steps e.g. before you jump off a 10m high diving
board first jump from a 1m, then 3m, then 5m.
- Finally confront it and do it!